Irrevocable Differences

When I move I intend to get a new library card for Cols. Public Library. But....it is making me nervous.
You see, I am the only person I know of who has EVER had their library card REVOKED!!! What if a red flag comes up when they put my SS# into their system?!
It happened back in 1979 or so. I was going thru a  major breakup and I guess I was depressed. I had out about 12 books from Cols. Public Library. They were all stacked neatly on an end table. I would look at them sadly every day but somehow just couldn't garner the energy to take them back to the library...
Time passed and letters from the library came and went into the circular file. Finally I received the MOST HUMILIATING letter informing me that my borrowing priveleges had been revoked! 
And.. I felt so guilty! On New Years' eve of that year I couldn't take it any longer.. I felt like I had to start the year without this hanging over my head. So my BFF, Gretchen, called the library for me. We made up this ridiculous story about how I was out of the country - mountain climbing in the Himalayas- no less- and hadn't been able to return the books! "How much did I owe if they were returned that day?" I think it was twenty some dollars...not bad considering. So we packed up the books and taped a check in an envelope to the top and dropped them off in the book slot. It was such a relief!!. 
Then I frequented the Westerville Public library for many years. They did not know about my chequered past!

"You can bank on it"

Thinking this week about banking......Remembering my first checking account. When I went to college I opened an account . I had NO idea how to use a check register. So.. I took colored pencils every month and colored in all those little squares in very pretty little patterns. I had no idea how much money I had but  I had the prettiest checkbook around!
When my daughter and son in law graduated from college they moved to Columbus. They only had one car and it was in for repair. They called me and asked if I could take them to the bank so they could open an account. So I picked them up and took them to the bank. I sat in the waiting area but I could hear everything that went on. The banker asked them what they would like to do. They said they wanted to open up 6 accounts!! One joint checking and savings and each wanted an individual checking and savings! Then the banker asked them how much they wanted to deposit.. "Fifty dollars," they said. "Oh, fifty in each account?" "No, fifty dollars total!" I honestly though I was going to explode trying not to laugh!! But then to top it all off, my son in law says very sincerely to the banker. "By the way do you take cash?"

The Dog Slumber Party

Last night was one of the WORST. I  had agreed to dog sit Biscuit for Les and Brad while they were away. Since I had to be in Dublin at 6 AM (AARGH!); it seemed logical to spend the night in Hilliard rather than here. So I packed up Dakota and took him with me. I got all comfy with both dogs on their wonderful couch.  All went well at first..We watched "Men of the Yukon."  I fell asleep watching them butcher caribou! ( the men- not the dogs) Then the party started....Actually there was a party next door. A teenage boy lives there with his Mom and kids kept coming and going. Every time a car door would slam both dogs would leap off the couch barking furiously. This happened about every 15- 20 minutes or whenever I would doze off. This went on until about 2:30 AM. Then both dogs decided that they needed to go out! I'm ashamed to say I told Dakota to" go piss in the corner and leave me the hell alone" (Sorry, Les)
By this time both dogs had decided they were fully awake. They would come and stand about 6 inches from my head staring at me until I woke up.(Just like Leslie used to do) Then they decided to wrestle and hump each other. Then they got out the squeaky toys about 3:20 AM. I had to get up and take those away. Then Dakota decided that it would be fun to wait until I fell asleep and then lick me on the lips. This happened several times (YUK) until I finally had to cover my head! The lyrics "clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right..stuck in the middle with you" kept going thru my head as the dogs wanted to cuddle up on either side of me. At 4 AM Biscuit stood by my head and whined to let me know that he was hungry. (Earlier Dakota had eaten his food before he could get to it.) So...I got up and fed him. Finally both dogs tired of their party antics and fell asleep just as my alarm went off, of course! It made me think of some of the slumber parties that the girls used to have-  When I left for Dublin  at 5:30 AM, I was barely functional. I only got lost once on the way and got there right on the dot. Not bad considering it was the night from hell.

The Miracle Suits

There's nothing quite so disconcerting as going  to a church mission presentation and finding yourself plastered on a huge screen in your worst possible swimsuit for all the world to see. I went straight into denial mode. It hurt my eyes!  So I tried to pretend it really wasn't there! (Even if it was on a mission for God. We had taken severely disabled children to a water park for the day.) I overheard someone say' " That settles it- I can never go to Nicaragua- I can't be seen in a swimsuit like that!" Oh well.....
It always amuses me to see magazine articles that direct one to buy a particular style of swimsuit to "camouflage " problem areas. Like that really works! I always found that the best thing to do was to hang out at the beach or pool with the most morbidly obese person I could find so I would look good in comparison! It's all relative......
Speaking of which I have my own theory of relativity when it comes to swimsuits. E=mc squared  is Excess = mass crushed and squished. If you compress something somewhere it's just gonna pop out somewhere else!It's not gonna just disappear...
I buy a lot of swimsuits since I'm in the pool a lot. The chlorine isn't kind to them so they wear out quickly.
The backs tend to become thin to the point that they are transparent. My friends and I have taken a serious oath to always tell each  other if our suits are in bad shape as nobody in their right mind looks at their own backside while in a swimsuit!
This time of year I try to hit the sales and stock up for the "dry" season when stores do not stock swimsuits.
I do love a good sale! Imagine my excitement this last week when I found out that Macy's had swimsuits 75% off! I hightailed it over there and found 2 "miracle suits" that I had looked at in passing many times. They normally sell for $142-$146,  WAY out of my price range! Now a "miracle suit" is the cadillac of swimsuits. Right on the tag it says that it provides triple the holding power of a regular suit and you can look 10 lbs lighter in 10 seconds. Well let me tell you it is more like 10 minutes. Those buggers are NOT easy to get on. You have to wiggle into it for a while, then rest, then repeat several times. It is "constructed to shape and firm the body"...at least those parts that are not hanging out of the suit. Anyway I took the suits to the register. One rang up for $35, the other for $146. The elderly cashier said  "well since one is on sale the other should be, too. So I will give you 75% off of both ( A true miracle, I'm thinking) Then she said I'm going to give you an extra 20% off. I thought I'd died and gone to swimsuit heaven..unheard of! Then her supervisor showed up and said "those suits are not on sale; they NEVER go on sale! It's a mistake!" The elderly cashier said, " well they should be."  Then the supervisor says," tell me you did NOT just give her an extra 20 % off! " It was about then that I decided I should take my purchase and get the hell out of Dodge before they took it back! I left them arguing furiously as I practically ran out of the store!

Egg Jokes

The following is a  compilation of "egg jokes" written at Easter time..just never got around to publishing them.
Two eggs were sitting in a bar. One turned to the other and said: "Well, what do we do now? We've already gotten laid."
Why did the newlyweds fry an egg on the sidewalk? They wanted to cement their relationship.
What do chickens who are actors say to each other before they perform?Break an egg.
What kind of car does a chicken drive? A Chevy Ova.
Why asre there never any eggs in sports play off games? They're always getting beaten.
Why did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall?  His Mother Goosed him.
What do eggs do when they get bored? They play Scramble.
Why couldn't the egg pay his rent? He was always broke. Why was he always broke? He used all his money to buy crack.
Why was the egg so mean? His parents were fowl.
Where do you find the funniest eggs? In egg cartoons. (cartons)
Where do eggs gas up their cars? At shell stations
What do eggs study in college? Eggology and Eggonomics.
What are eggs favorite dogs? Shellties
Why was John Lennon such a good egg? He was married to Yolko Ono.
How are pilots like eggs? They enjoy frying.
What was the name of the Egg Trapeze group? The frying Wallendas.
What did the egg say to the tuna fish? I think we have a salad relationship.
What did the hard boiled egg say to the soft boiled egg? Timers on my side.
What is a chicken's favorite type of car? A hatchback.
Why did the egg get arrested by the game warden? It was poaching.
Where do eggs hang out in the evening? On the front poach.
How are bad eggs executed? In the electric skillet.
What kind of eggs are served in hell? Deviled eggs.
How do you know when eggs are angry? They're boiling.
What does a half baked egg wear to a wedding? Just a shirred and tie.
What was the eggs favorite song? "Beat It"
How do people buy eggs in India? Cash and curry.
How do chickens cut paper? With eggacto knives.
Why didn't the fox go into the chicken coop? It was too nesty.
What was Shakespear's favorite breakfast? Hamlet and eggs.

Turkeys I have had relationships with.....

This blog has been specifically requested by my BFF, Jane..... So here it is.

I guess you could say that I have had some interesting experiences in the turkey baking department. I tend to follow the beat of a different drumstick.
For starters I don't usually remove the innards........don't really see any reason to do that AND I really don't want to look at them :( or know anything about them.) They hold NO interest for me. So I just wash the outside of the turkey and leave the mysterious inner workings alone. If they are in paper they can get a bit crisp but I have had no major turkey fires to date.
Once upon a time it seemed logical to me to just LEAVE the frozen turkey in the trunk of the car until it thawed. So...I drove around with it in there for a few days. It  just seemed silly to lug it into the house while it was still frozen. (Although everyone DID get a bit ill) and it was a bit messy when it thawed in the bag. But I managed to get the car cleaned out pretty well.
I am NOT a patient person as most of you who know me realize. (I don't like to wait on things....EVER)
Waiting on a turkey to bake can get really annoying- especially if you don't plan the timing well. So.. my solution has been to bake it for a little while one day, bake it a little more the next day, and a little more the next day, etc., until which time it finally gets done  and the little red doo hickey pops out.
God forbid that the little pop out thing is defective.( I always forget to check the time when baking). Several times it has not worked properly. Sometimes that means microwaved turkey bits, and other times it means LOTS of gravy to moisturize it. (Thank you Heinz.)
There have been times in the past, I'm ashamed to say, that my family has begged me not to fix turkey. So one Thanksgiving I decided that it would be really "elegant"  to bake game hens for everyone. ( I know that elegant is NOT a word one would normally associate with my cooking) Anyway I purchased the little guys- they were really cute- like little personal turkeys. I baked them- probably a little too long, I admit. They were not real juicy, shall we say. But I was totally unprepared for the reactions of everyone. I slapped one of the little buggers on everyone's plate. We said grace and then there was total silence. Everyone sat and stared at their plates and a few slowly began picking at the carcasses. Then one by one the plates got pushed back with looks of anguish... "We can't eat these," my son in law said , "They're little birds."  "Yeah, I replied, "like turkeys, only smaller" But I could actually see his point- I didn't want to eat it either.There was just something not quite right about it. I really wish I had thought that one out before hand.
But- on a GOOD note...I can fix about the best creamed turkey on biscuits that you ever hope to eat. Ha.

The exploding muffins...

I NEVER have requests for my cooking but I do get requests for my cooking stories. :) I do many creative things but cooking has never been my forte. I lack focus. I tend to forget when things are on the stove or in the oven. When my kids were young they thought the smoke detector was the dinner bell. I'm the only person I know who can consistently burn things in a crock pot. I made a quiche once that snapped a steak knife in two when I tried to slice it. My pie crust could be used to resole shoes. But I have really made an effort lately and things were going along well until this last week...
I decided to make apple nut muffins ( from scratch) to take to the senior center coffee club. Everything seemed ok. I spooned the batter into paper lined muffin tins and put them into the oven...Now I must admit I wasn't wearing my glasses when I read the recipe.. so that could have some bearing on what happened.
About 20 minutes into the baking process I began to hear funny "popping" noises. "That doesn't sound right," I thought. So I went over and opened the oven door. The muffins were all exploding! It was like 24 mini volcanoes. They were very unhappy muffins. And when I say exploding, I mean EXPLODING! The stuff was hitting me in the chest and plopping onto the floor. The inside of the oven was a sight to behold.. Batter was oozing all over the tops of the muffin tins in between explosions. I've never seen the dog so excited. I was afraid he was going to burn his little tongue licking the floor clean. Well, I turned off the oven and let the muffins calm down a few minutes. Then I took them out. By now the paper liners were embedded in the muffins and the batter was so encrusted in and on the muffin tins I couldn't chisel it out! I've never seen anything like it before! I had to throw away the muffin tins. Threw my tee-shirt into the washer after the dog tried to get friendly with my chest.  So sadly, there were no muffins for the coffee club.
Later that same week I made chili as we were having a "chili cook-off". That went well until I accidentally dropped the entire jar of cayenne pepper into the chili! I tried to scoop out as much as I could but I think that chili probably did bad things to the lining of the stomach!
My latest fiasco was baking salmon. I put it in the oven and actually turned on the timer. Sometime later I kept hearing little periodic dinging noises . Having totally forgotten about the salmon, I though my daughter had some clothes in the dryer! Eventually a little light bulb went off in my head and I extricated the fish from the flame!