Just got back from spending a few days at the hospital with my Mom, who had a bowel obstruction. In other words she was full of crap. I knew right away when I got to the ER which room she was in without being told; I could hear soft laughter wafting from behind the curtain. My family always copes with crisis using levity as a release. My brother was obviously busy entertaining the troops. My turn now. I'm sure the whole family will get LOTS of mileage out of the most recent crisis which was quite painful for my Mom but we were able to take her mind off of the pain for periods of time. :)
Here are my creative alternative methods for alleviating a bowel obstruction: Enjoy!
1. Dinner at Taco Bell
2. Use the "magic gripper"
3. Spray some "PAM"
4. Call Rotorooter
5. Make use of a "plumbers' snake"
6. Carry a small baggie of maggots at all times
7. Visit Jiffy Lube
8. Give the term "having a stick up one's ass" a whole new meaning
9. Make use of the vacuum cleaner hose, followed by the crevice tool.
10. Say a "Yo Momma" joke to a brother and hope they beat the crap out of you.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Childhood Games
Just thinking about games people play.... and remembering my childhood games. Played some tag yesterday afternoon at camp with my group of kids. One little boy said, "Wow you sure can run fast!" (Not dead yet!)
Played tag a lot as a kid. Spent a lot of time climbing trees.
My brother and I used to play a game called "What I'd Do to You if I Could". We'd take turns thinking up the most gruesome scenarios like... "I'd take pliers and pull off your fingernails and stuff them up your nostrils..." We tried to outdo each other. I think we were both pretty creative. It actually probably kept us from REALLY killing each other! We played outside for hours.
I, of course, always wanted to play house. He did not. So the compromise was to play house for about 10 minutes and play war the rest of the day. We spent lots of time playing "12 O'Clock High" He always got to be the good guy and I had to be "the Kraut." Hedge apples thrown into wet cowpies made spectacular bombs! We also played "Airline Pilot". My uncle was a flyer and had given us an old helmet. I always had to be the darned copilot or stewardess! HE got to wear the helmet.
Had lots of dolls. My mom used to make LOTS of doll clothes but she was chagrined because she said no matter what, my dolls were always naked. My favorite was "Sweet Sue." She had lost most of her hair and had a permanently dirty face but I loved her.
My own kids -Ben loved magic-spent lots of time in a top hat and cape waving a wand and performing magic tricks. And then there was Star Wars..he was crazy about it.We painted a scene on his bedroom wall.
The girls played "Kings Appliance Store" They always kept binders of "sales", making up people's names and addresses and purchases of refrigerators, etc. Never could figure out the fascination with it! They also played "psychologist" complete with treatment charts. Loved reading them! I remember one had a fictitious guy and it said the problem was "bites himself a lot". They were hilarious.
I had a great childhood- don't ever remember being bored. Even now I 'm never bored ; there's just so much fun stuff to do and learn.....!
Played tag a lot as a kid. Spent a lot of time climbing trees.
My brother and I used to play a game called "What I'd Do to You if I Could". We'd take turns thinking up the most gruesome scenarios like... "I'd take pliers and pull off your fingernails and stuff them up your nostrils..." We tried to outdo each other. I think we were both pretty creative. It actually probably kept us from REALLY killing each other! We played outside for hours.
I, of course, always wanted to play house. He did not. So the compromise was to play house for about 10 minutes and play war the rest of the day. We spent lots of time playing "12 O'Clock High" He always got to be the good guy and I had to be "the Kraut." Hedge apples thrown into wet cowpies made spectacular bombs! We also played "Airline Pilot". My uncle was a flyer and had given us an old helmet. I always had to be the darned copilot or stewardess! HE got to wear the helmet.
Had lots of dolls. My mom used to make LOTS of doll clothes but she was chagrined because she said no matter what, my dolls were always naked. My favorite was "Sweet Sue." She had lost most of her hair and had a permanently dirty face but I loved her.
My own kids -Ben loved magic-spent lots of time in a top hat and cape waving a wand and performing magic tricks. And then there was Star Wars..he was crazy about it.We painted a scene on his bedroom wall.
The girls played "Kings Appliance Store" They always kept binders of "sales", making up people's names and addresses and purchases of refrigerators, etc. Never could figure out the fascination with it! They also played "psychologist" complete with treatment charts. Loved reading them! I remember one had a fictitious guy and it said the problem was "bites himself a lot". They were hilarious.
I had a great childhood- don't ever remember being bored. Even now I 'm never bored ; there's just so much fun stuff to do and learn.....!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Canoe trips
I really would like to block all those canoe trips out of my mind! Driving past Mad River today brought the memories flooding back. First let me state for the record, that I have NO IDEA how to paddle a canoe. Nevertheless I have spent many HOURS doing just that- mainly thanks to friend, Dave.
We used to go on camping trips as a family with his family; our kids were the same age. However, Dave is a gung-ho camping-nature enthusiast who was an Eagle Scout and never lets you forget it. He is also the kind of person who has to wring the absolute MOST out of any trip or adventure.(It is his fault I went on the Magnum at Cedar Point and have never been the same since). Now I can pretty much identify with that aspect of a vacation. Being a type A personality I'm up at the crack of dawn, not wanting to miss a minute of my precious vacation time. My family always hated me because they wanted to SLEEP, can you imagine that?! I say you can sleep at home!
Anyway, we went on many canoe adventures around Ohio together. I have scars on my left hand to prove it- having been run through sharp overhanging tree branches by my illustrous ex-husband who also did not know how to paddle a canoe.( If I hadn't leaned back and covered my eyes I would now be blind!) As it was I dripped blood from my hand the entire trip- lucky there were no pirhannas!
Dave always insisted that we take the LONGEST possible canoe trip offered. I would have been somewhat happy to canoe for an hour- but, no! It was always a 5-6 hour minimum trip. (during which time I constantly felt like throwing up) I don't like floating through water that 1. I don't know how deep it is and 2. can't see what's in it. and 3. haven't a clue what I'm doing.
I remember the first time our oldest kids had their own canoe. They got hung up on a big log at the edge of Mad River. The river was full of obstacles due to a heavy storm prior to our trip. The girls were screaming for help- panicked. I just looked at them sadly as we floated by because we had no idea how to STOP our canoe or how to turn around let alone HELP them. I felt like such a terrible mom. But Dave saved the day.. he and his wife paddled back and extricated them.
The first time we stopped for a potty break in the weeds was interesting.. it was in poison ivy. Luckily I don't get poison ivy but everyone else did!
The time we overturned and I was in mud up to my knees trying to turn the heavy canoe upright I would definitely like to forget. Had a lot of bruises from that one. I also think I cried.
I do recall our Mohican trip with some laughter, though. It was actually a church family camp out. One couple floated by that had never canoed before. The husband was dsylexic and when the wife yelled paddle right he would paddle left. I thought they were going to divorce right in the middle of the river! I distinctly remember another couple floating by and hearing the husband refer to his wife as "lizard lips" It all made me feel so much better.When we did get to the midway point, The wife of the dyslexic husband jumped out of the canoe and insisted that she would walk the 3 miles back. She said she was not getting back into the canoe with him EVER! Me- I always stuck it out to the bitter end! Never wanted to show the white feather in front of the kids. (They love canoeing so I guess I did something right). I'd be open to actually learning to canoe someday! :)
We used to go on camping trips as a family with his family; our kids were the same age. However, Dave is a gung-ho camping-nature enthusiast who was an Eagle Scout and never lets you forget it. He is also the kind of person who has to wring the absolute MOST out of any trip or adventure.(It is his fault I went on the Magnum at Cedar Point and have never been the same since). Now I can pretty much identify with that aspect of a vacation. Being a type A personality I'm up at the crack of dawn, not wanting to miss a minute of my precious vacation time. My family always hated me because they wanted to SLEEP, can you imagine that?! I say you can sleep at home!
Anyway, we went on many canoe adventures around Ohio together. I have scars on my left hand to prove it- having been run through sharp overhanging tree branches by my illustrous ex-husband who also did not know how to paddle a canoe.( If I hadn't leaned back and covered my eyes I would now be blind!) As it was I dripped blood from my hand the entire trip- lucky there were no pirhannas!
Dave always insisted that we take the LONGEST possible canoe trip offered. I would have been somewhat happy to canoe for an hour- but, no! It was always a 5-6 hour minimum trip. (during which time I constantly felt like throwing up) I don't like floating through water that 1. I don't know how deep it is and 2. can't see what's in it. and 3. haven't a clue what I'm doing.
I remember the first time our oldest kids had their own canoe. They got hung up on a big log at the edge of Mad River. The river was full of obstacles due to a heavy storm prior to our trip. The girls were screaming for help- panicked. I just looked at them sadly as we floated by because we had no idea how to STOP our canoe or how to turn around let alone HELP them. I felt like such a terrible mom. But Dave saved the day.. he and his wife paddled back and extricated them.
The first time we stopped for a potty break in the weeds was interesting.. it was in poison ivy. Luckily I don't get poison ivy but everyone else did!
The time we overturned and I was in mud up to my knees trying to turn the heavy canoe upright I would definitely like to forget. Had a lot of bruises from that one. I also think I cried.
I do recall our Mohican trip with some laughter, though. It was actually a church family camp out. One couple floated by that had never canoed before. The husband was dsylexic and when the wife yelled paddle right he would paddle left. I thought they were going to divorce right in the middle of the river! I distinctly remember another couple floating by and hearing the husband refer to his wife as "lizard lips" It all made me feel so much better.When we did get to the midway point, The wife of the dyslexic husband jumped out of the canoe and insisted that she would walk the 3 miles back. She said she was not getting back into the canoe with him EVER! Me- I always stuck it out to the bitter end! Never wanted to show the white feather in front of the kids. (They love canoeing so I guess I did something right). I'd be open to actually learning to canoe someday! :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Thinking back over my teaching career. Could write a lot about that. Here's some of the funniest stuff that pops into mind right now.....
Once was demonstrating the potter's wheel to a class of 5th graders. The pot got too wet and suddenly launched itself off the wheel, hit me in the chest, and proceeded to slowly slither down my skirt and plop into the floor. There was dead silence. Then one little boy piped up, "Could you do that again?!"
Another time I was demonstrating stitchery on a piece of burlap and ended up sewing it to the front of my blouse.. I always managed to keep the kids interested!
Then there was the time a little boy threw up on my feet. It filled my shoes. I have never forgotten him! I felt sorry for him (and me) but I couldn't stop laughing.
The time I forgot to tighten the lid on the orange paint before shaking it was pretty good, too. The lid flew off and I was drenched from head to toe in orange. A class came in and sat down in their seats and nobody said a word. I was laughing hysterically and said, "does anyone notice anything??" Finally a child said, "Are you supposed to be orange?"
Had written a simulation years ago for an economics unit. The 5th graders formed companies and "bought" recycled materials from me that they then had to turn into some type of product and sell to 4th graders at recess time.( we used play money) They had to market as well as produce their items. So they set up displays they had created, on the playground. The company that sold the most won. Anyway it was great fun. Overheard some 4th graders talking about going to the "mall" at recess time
Used to reward kids for recycling newspaper, cardboard tubes, etc. Once a little boy brought in a bag with newspapers on top.. I took it and heaved it upside down onto the counter and it was filled with eggshells, talcum powder, fruit rinds, etc., etc. He had picked up the garbage on his way out the door that morning!
Early in my career I learned that young children are quite literal and do not respond well to sarcasm. I had a class of very squirrelly kindergarteners who were doing object printing with paint at stations around the room. They kept spilling paint, dropping wet objects in the floor and dropping their papers paint side down in the floor. I got frustrated, and said "Why don't you all stop and just walk through the paint!?" Damned if they didn't do exactly that! I was so surprised-learned a BIG lesson that day. Oh.. and NEVER ask a child what something is..(it can cause them to cry). instead say.."Tell me about your artwork!"
Once was demonstrating the potter's wheel to a class of 5th graders. The pot got too wet and suddenly launched itself off the wheel, hit me in the chest, and proceeded to slowly slither down my skirt and plop into the floor. There was dead silence. Then one little boy piped up, "Could you do that again?!"
Another time I was demonstrating stitchery on a piece of burlap and ended up sewing it to the front of my blouse.. I always managed to keep the kids interested!
Then there was the time a little boy threw up on my feet. It filled my shoes. I have never forgotten him! I felt sorry for him (and me) but I couldn't stop laughing.
The time I forgot to tighten the lid on the orange paint before shaking it was pretty good, too. The lid flew off and I was drenched from head to toe in orange. A class came in and sat down in their seats and nobody said a word. I was laughing hysterically and said, "does anyone notice anything??" Finally a child said, "Are you supposed to be orange?"
Had written a simulation years ago for an economics unit. The 5th graders formed companies and "bought" recycled materials from me that they then had to turn into some type of product and sell to 4th graders at recess time.( we used play money) They had to market as well as produce their items. So they set up displays they had created, on the playground. The company that sold the most won. Anyway it was great fun. Overheard some 4th graders talking about going to the "mall" at recess time
Used to reward kids for recycling newspaper, cardboard tubes, etc. Once a little boy brought in a bag with newspapers on top.. I took it and heaved it upside down onto the counter and it was filled with eggshells, talcum powder, fruit rinds, etc., etc. He had picked up the garbage on his way out the door that morning!
Early in my career I learned that young children are quite literal and do not respond well to sarcasm. I had a class of very squirrelly kindergarteners who were doing object printing with paint at stations around the room. They kept spilling paint, dropping wet objects in the floor and dropping their papers paint side down in the floor. I got frustrated, and said "Why don't you all stop and just walk through the paint!?" Damned if they didn't do exactly that! I was so surprised-learned a BIG lesson that day. Oh.. and NEVER ask a child what something is..(it can cause them to cry). instead say.."Tell me about your artwork!"
Monday, July 11, 2011
Hole(s) in One
My limited experience with piercings began with my daughters. They were desperate to get their ears pierced when they were in grade school. The summer their cousin got married in Vail we drove out to Colorado in our Sienna van (which they always referred to as the "egg"- due to its shape). As usual they began their typical road trip quarreling. So I bribed them. I told them they could get their ears pierced when we got home if I didn't hear a peep out of them for the rest of the trip. It worked like a charm! Best trip we ever had! Not usually into bribing but that time was worth it. It was a long trip- but exceedingly pleasant.
I had my ears pierced once but gave up on it because I got impatient with the healing process. Just got them repierced today.
I am a regular Red Cross blood donor. In fact I am into competitive donating! I have given over 15 gallons over the years- mostly thru frequent platelet donations. Since you are deferred from giving for some time after piercings or tatoos I never had any. But now I am deferred for a year anyway ( after being in Nicaragua) so I decided it would be a good time to be holy in a different way.
I remember when my younger daughter was in high school. She went on a trip to Florida with a friend's family. She called me one evening and told me she had gotten her belly button pierced and asked me if I was mad. I just started laughing which really surprised her I guess, but what's the point of getting mad about something that's already done?! Come to find out she had had it done the month before in Columbus- just waited until she was cross country to let me know, so I could defuse if necessary before she got home..(She was always a step ahead of me!) She's also the one who got her nose pierced in college. Guess my son in law had his tongue pierced in high school- it's hard to imagine now. At the time he said he was taking Chinese and had the best pronunciation in class due to the piercing. :)
Aminah Robinson (Columbus artist) has the most and best piercings I have ever seen.- almost too many to count- but definitely fascinating.
Would you say that a preacher with lots of piercings is "holier than thou?"
I had my ears pierced once but gave up on it because I got impatient with the healing process. Just got them repierced today.
I am a regular Red Cross blood donor. In fact I am into competitive donating! I have given over 15 gallons over the years- mostly thru frequent platelet donations. Since you are deferred from giving for some time after piercings or tatoos I never had any. But now I am deferred for a year anyway ( after being in Nicaragua) so I decided it would be a good time to be holy in a different way.
I remember when my younger daughter was in high school. She went on a trip to Florida with a friend's family. She called me one evening and told me she had gotten her belly button pierced and asked me if I was mad. I just started laughing which really surprised her I guess, but what's the point of getting mad about something that's already done?! Come to find out she had had it done the month before in Columbus- just waited until she was cross country to let me know, so I could defuse if necessary before she got home..(She was always a step ahead of me!) She's also the one who got her nose pierced in college. Guess my son in law had his tongue pierced in high school- it's hard to imagine now. At the time he said he was taking Chinese and had the best pronunciation in class due to the piercing. :)
Aminah Robinson (Columbus artist) has the most and best piercings I have ever seen.- almost too many to count- but definitely fascinating.
Would you say that a preacher with lots of piercings is "holier than thou?"
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Careers
Interesting thinking about what careers were of interest growing up. My number one was archeologist. Why?
I loved to dig in the dirt. I used to collect cherry pits that I dug out of bird crap. Had quite a collection. Another collection was rocks. I had shoeboxes of rocks under my bed. Spent a summer with my grandparents in Kentucky and spent most of the time collecting the best rocks ever from beside the creek. I can remember the look on my Dad's face when I started hauling them (box after box) out to the car in preparation for returning home. I actually had a small family of rocks that lived in my pocket for some time. I had drawn faces on them and dressed them in bits of kleenex.(I've never been at a loss for entertainment)
Science has always interested me. Used to collect various spices, vinegar, etc from the kitchen and make potions. (this is why I can't cook) . For a time I also had quite a nasty collection of wonderful, colorful molds growing in baby food jars. This was also under my bed. It got a bit crowded under there!
When I was about 9 or so, I decided to become a nun- never mind that I wasn't Catholic. I had read "The Nun's Story" and it affected me greatly. I used to practice wearing a wimple I made out of a t shirt.
In junior high I was going to be a writer. I wrote many stories which entertained my class mates. Sent some of them off to Mad Magazine- "Hymie and the Underworld" and "Nuseth Erutearc, the Sun Creature" to name a few. (All were rejected to my dismay)
In high school the plan was to be a phys ed. teacher. I loved and played all sports and helped with the jr. high classes. I was quite a jock. Played varsity volleyball, basketball and softball.
When I went to college I actually planned to be a biochemist and was in pre med.. That didn't last long as I kept reaching across the Bunsen burner in lab- had a perpetually burned hairless spot on my arm all the time. I found I pretty much hated chemistry even though I loved biology.
Always drew pictures but was never encouraged in art because everyone thought it was a waste of my time. Sold pencil portaits of Alfred E. Newman in 7th grade for 10 cents apiece. It was a booming little business. Also some interesting caricatures of my teachers. Took an art course in college and never looked back- it was my calling. I fit right in with all the creative types. And teaching was second nature. I've always understood kids. Always loved it when younger students would ask me things like "What are you going to be when you grow up, Mrs. Paulus?" The jury is still out on that one! So glad I found a career that I loved and continue to love!
I loved to dig in the dirt. I used to collect cherry pits that I dug out of bird crap. Had quite a collection. Another collection was rocks. I had shoeboxes of rocks under my bed. Spent a summer with my grandparents in Kentucky and spent most of the time collecting the best rocks ever from beside the creek. I can remember the look on my Dad's face when I started hauling them (box after box) out to the car in preparation for returning home. I actually had a small family of rocks that lived in my pocket for some time. I had drawn faces on them and dressed them in bits of kleenex.(I've never been at a loss for entertainment)
Science has always interested me. Used to collect various spices, vinegar, etc from the kitchen and make potions. (this is why I can't cook) . For a time I also had quite a nasty collection of wonderful, colorful molds growing in baby food jars. This was also under my bed. It got a bit crowded under there!
When I was about 9 or so, I decided to become a nun- never mind that I wasn't Catholic. I had read "The Nun's Story" and it affected me greatly. I used to practice wearing a wimple I made out of a t shirt.
In junior high I was going to be a writer. I wrote many stories which entertained my class mates. Sent some of them off to Mad Magazine- "Hymie and the Underworld" and "Nuseth Erutearc, the Sun Creature" to name a few. (All were rejected to my dismay)
In high school the plan was to be a phys ed. teacher. I loved and played all sports and helped with the jr. high classes. I was quite a jock. Played varsity volleyball, basketball and softball.
When I went to college I actually planned to be a biochemist and was in pre med.. That didn't last long as I kept reaching across the Bunsen burner in lab- had a perpetually burned hairless spot on my arm all the time. I found I pretty much hated chemistry even though I loved biology.
Always drew pictures but was never encouraged in art because everyone thought it was a waste of my time. Sold pencil portaits of Alfred E. Newman in 7th grade for 10 cents apiece. It was a booming little business. Also some interesting caricatures of my teachers. Took an art course in college and never looked back- it was my calling. I fit right in with all the creative types. And teaching was second nature. I've always understood kids. Always loved it when younger students would ask me things like "What are you going to be when you grow up, Mrs. Paulus?" The jury is still out on that one! So glad I found a career that I loved and continue to love!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
EEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anything with more than four legs really creeps me out! I've always been like that. I still run screaming when I see a wasp, bumblebee, spider, etc. I particularly detest spiders. If there is a spider in the vicinity that is left alone I can just about guarantee that it is planning to bite me later. (Have had lots of spider bites.)
As the girls were growing up I tried to be a good mom and stay involved with them . That entailed becoming a Girl Scout Leader. There were 3 leaders in the troop. I quickly became the "craft" person; the other 2 were gung- ho campers. For me it was "Girl Scout Hell." Our first camping experience took place at Blendon Woods Day Camp- a third grade overnite in regulation GSA tents( no bottoms). It must have been 95 degrees and SO humid. During the day the tents filled up with hundreds of daddy long legs. I wanted to sneak off and sleep in the van SO BAD! But, trying to be a good example, I finally collapsed on my sleeping bag with my flashlight under my chin with my set of girls, pretending to be brave! I was so tired finally I just layed there and watched the daddy long legs and other bugs crawling across the girls. I think it's the closest I've ever come to losing my mind. It was the most horrible night! Other subsequent camping trips were just as bad- wolf spiders in the platform tents, spiders and moths in the cabins. Laying there in the dark imagining what might be crawling across my sleeping bag, or lurking in the corners. My trusty flashlight always right under my chin -praying that the batteries wouldn't give out before morning- and eyes wide open until I'd become too exhausted to stay awake!
On the recent trip to Nicaragua during devotions one evening a bug flew down my top and ended up in my bra. It took ALL the SELF CONTROL I could muster not to strip in front of the whole group! But I was very proud of myself. I quietly got up and went back to the bedroom and removed it and hardly anybody was the wiser.
Killing spiders and bugs is a delicate operation for me. I can't get too close ( they might jump on me!) so my weapons of choice are the broom and the vacuum cleaner. That way I can attack from some distance.( I usually duct tape the end of the vacuum hose for a few days just to be sure the spider doesn't crawl back out). Unfortunately this is not a stealth process. Most people who know me smile and say, "must be a bug or spider !"when they hear my bloodcurdling screams.
As the girls were growing up I tried to be a good mom and stay involved with them . That entailed becoming a Girl Scout Leader. There were 3 leaders in the troop. I quickly became the "craft" person; the other 2 were gung- ho campers. For me it was "Girl Scout Hell." Our first camping experience took place at Blendon Woods Day Camp- a third grade overnite in regulation GSA tents( no bottoms). It must have been 95 degrees and SO humid. During the day the tents filled up with hundreds of daddy long legs. I wanted to sneak off and sleep in the van SO BAD! But, trying to be a good example, I finally collapsed on my sleeping bag with my flashlight under my chin with my set of girls, pretending to be brave! I was so tired finally I just layed there and watched the daddy long legs and other bugs crawling across the girls. I think it's the closest I've ever come to losing my mind. It was the most horrible night! Other subsequent camping trips were just as bad- wolf spiders in the platform tents, spiders and moths in the cabins. Laying there in the dark imagining what might be crawling across my sleeping bag, or lurking in the corners. My trusty flashlight always right under my chin -praying that the batteries wouldn't give out before morning- and eyes wide open until I'd become too exhausted to stay awake!
On the recent trip to Nicaragua during devotions one evening a bug flew down my top and ended up in my bra. It took ALL the SELF CONTROL I could muster not to strip in front of the whole group! But I was very proud of myself. I quietly got up and went back to the bedroom and removed it and hardly anybody was the wiser.
Killing spiders and bugs is a delicate operation for me. I can't get too close ( they might jump on me!) so my weapons of choice are the broom and the vacuum cleaner. That way I can attack from some distance.( I usually duct tape the end of the vacuum hose for a few days just to be sure the spider doesn't crawl back out). Unfortunately this is not a stealth process. Most people who know me smile and say, "must be a bug or spider !"when they hear my bloodcurdling screams.
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